What in the world is the Enneagram???
John sat at the coffee shop that Tuesday morning unsure what his next move was. Work was slowly squeezing every last drop of enthusiasm out of his body, his relationship with his parents felt dry and predictably disappointing, his friend circle was comprised of a fairly even mix of what he considered ‘consumers and decomposers,’ and his love life was, well, much like the wintry weather he found himself staring at as he sipped his latte.
Lately, he had been listening to TedTalks focused on self-help and an occasional sermon on YouTube. These were insightful and led to a temporary spike in clarity and motivation… until the next wave of discouraging thoughts flooded in or perhaps the heaviness in his chest returned after a frustrating encounter at home or work. John did have one friend he trusted, Jenna. Jenna could relate to John’s experience of life and she too often found herself with head in hands wondering, “Where did everything go wrong?” or its twin thought, “How did I get here?”
With a bell jingle, John looked up to see Jenna walking into the coffee shop. Instead of her normal head nod and half smile, Jenna almost skipped to John’s table wearing a bright smile and equally brightly-colored blouse. John noticed her as attractive; a new thought, as she was always just ‘a friend.’ After a short greeting and John’s inquiry as to how she was doing, Jenna proceeded to share with John about a new development in her life. She had heard about this thing called the Enneagram. The Enneagram was a personality typing tool, and she became so intrigued after researching more, that she decided to find a Coach who could help her to expedite her learning!
For the next two hours Jenna captivated John with the story of her discovery of both Enneagram (ennea- means nine, grammos- figure in Greek) and herself….for the first time, really. She shared about what she was beginning to learn about her Core motivations, fears, longings, and weaknesses. She explained how there were nine basic types and how differently each personality type perceives the world. Jenna shared with her friend how she never knew why she made the choices she made and naturally she assumed others were thinking and feeling similarly to her when in reality they were spurred on in distinctly different ways. She explained that her Coach was helping her to understand what her main type was and how she could identify when she was moving into an unhealthy place. Not only that, but also Jenna was starting to recognize the dark sides of her personality type and how to move into thinking, feeling and acting in ways that created freedom and peace for her. John heard Jenna explain that the Enneagram wasn’t a magic button but a really helpful tool to build self-awareness, others-awareness and even God-awareness. John and Jenna had never talked much about faith matters before, but, clearly, Jenna was growing in her understanding of God, and it seemed to be brightning her light, sort of speak.
John immediately began to understand the implications of such a framework. He knew this meant he was not alone in his way of thinking, feeling and acting. He also knew that he was most likely very different in his motivation than the people he was living and working with daily. John couldn’t remember when he felt such a profound sense of hope and of peace, and the funny part was that he still had no idea what his number profile was or how to apply the wisdom of the enneagram to move into a healthier place. So much more to learn!
Despite his limited understanding of the Enneagram, he was encouraged. John could clearly see the difference in Jenna as she walked into the coffeeshop. He intuitively felt the truth of what she was sharing about how we are each wired in different, yet finite ways. John began to think about the coffee he regularly ordered from the cafe. A brief stint as a barista led him to research coffeebeans a few years earlier, and he knew there were about nine (9) basic types of coffee beans produced in the world. Depending on your palate, you may prefer the full-bodied, earthy Ethiopian bean to the sweeter, more nutty flavored Peruvian bean. John wondered if this was how Enneagram worked. Perhaps we are each a different ‘bean’ and once activated (read: ground) we have a certain flavor. By adding in a splash of cream and a bit of sweetner ~topped with a shaving of mocha and a shake of cinnamon~ your unique personality blend is created! John shared his developing analogy of Enneagram with Jenna who absolutely loved it.
John knew what he needed to do next….. “Jenna, could you share the contact info for your Enneagram Coach? I think it’s time I discovered my flavor too.”
An Estuary Worth Cultivating
This year my daughter (and I, as her home school teacher) have been studying geography which has opened our eyes to a variety of geographical terms which are new to us both! It has been great fun to learn so much more about the variety of natural features that exist on our planet. One that I have found particularly fascinating are estuaries. Geographically speaking, there are over 1,200 places on the earth where estuaries exist and the incredible mixing of salt and fresh water occurs. The brackish combination is home to a wide variety of creatures, both flora and fauna, and is often created by the combination of freshwater rivers and saltwater oceans or seas flowing one into the other. Known by different names, these harbors, lagoons, fjords, or sounds are unique in the fact that they are ever changing depending on the tides, weather patterns, and movement of waters via boats and sea life.
What’s amazing about these unique environments is that the mixing of seawater and freshwater provides high levels of nutrients both in the water column and in sediment, making estuaries among the most productive natural habitats in the world. Estuaries also block the heavier flow of tidal waves making them a safe space for a variety of animals, such as small fish, shellfish, migrating birds and shore animals to thrive. In the U.S. alone we have more than a 100 estuaries including the largest one formed by the briny water of the Atlantic mixing with the milky blue waters of Lawrence River. As a Marylander I am certainly thankful for the beauty and bounty (think Maryland Blue crabs :) of the Chesapeake Bay ~a well-known, local estuary.
As you can imagine many early civilizations have made their homes near estuaries where they have both access to the clean, fresh water of the river for drinking and hygiene, and equal access to the ocean ways where ships can move freely for the development of trade and communication. Additionally, these harbors are often rich in nutrient-dense foods while being stunningly beautiful! In all ways this divine combination of salty and fresh waters provide an ideal location for life and beauty to flourish.
Studying these incredible habitats led me to think more deeply about what other conditions create abundant life? Are there other combinations that create the perfect habitat that allows for humans to not only survive, but to prosper? As one who seeks to grow in healthy ways, I am always on the lookout for the ‘perfect blend.’ What characteristics, lessons, attributes are most important to cultivate? What do I most need to teach my children before they leave home? What personal qualities must I model (and first possess!) which will bless those around me? All good questions, right?
“I can honestly say that my quest, though likely not exhaustive or complete, has consistently always led me back to these two virtues or pillars, if you will: Curiosity and Compassion.”
Curiosity, much like the oceanic side of the estuary forms the salty, grittiness that preserves life through its resolve to move steadily and powerfully. Like salt water, it acts as a detergent to any object which dare fall into its field. Like saline, which can both agitate and soothe, inquisitiveness reminds us that without it the greatest minds would have stagnantly lost aim. The quest to know more, to dig deeper, to probe into the unknown is what has led to our most prized discoveries. Albert Einstein even asserted that he was neither particularly talented nor clever but rather “passionately curious.” How many prospects have been made and treasures secured by simply asking and answering the question, “How does this work?”
Curiosity, both expansive and somewhat unyielding, has its ‘yin-like’ counterpart of Compassion, which deeply holds together the fibers of humanity. Compassion refreshes and washes away the stench of our dirtiness. It weeps with those who weep and laughs with those who laugh. Compassion grounds us in our connection to one another and much like those early settlers, who knew they needed to live close to the source of fresh water, we too know that compassion will purify our hearts, cleanse our spirit, and restore our souls. In his book Compassion: A Reflection on the Christian Life, Henri J.M. Nouwen writes,“The great mystery is not the cures, but the infinite compassion which is their source.” Though maintaining compassion at all times is arguably unattainable, we might all agree that being treated with compassion at all times is desirable, even heavenly. In this way we see the blessing of compassion and the promise it offers to be of immense value to each of us.
“While Compassion asks us to be vulnerable, to suffer, to experience our own pain and that of others, Curiosity leads us to dream big, to push farther than we thought possible, to reach out beyond what is comfortable.”
Put together these virtues create a beautiful safe harbor where life thrives both in its extension toward the unknown, exciting, and not-yet-grasped possibilities and its deep rootedness of meeting ourselves and others in the rich and real experiences of life, both painful and exhilarating. If we all would work to create an estuary of compassion and curiosity in ourselves I dare say we may have found a calling worthy of cultivation.
Observation and Reflection
“The difference between those who do it and those who don’t do it is that, those who do it, do it.” - John Maxwell
Implementation is crucial to your growth. The ability to get your butt in gear and just do it, can often separate the men from the boys so to speak. They say consistency is key, but I also like to add that it is intentionality that unlocks the door! What good is a a key if you don’t know how to use it? This is where observation and reflection come in.
Reflection is a type of stillness we enter AFTER performing a task in order to mentally replay, review and reflect on what happened. In reflection, it is good to ask yourself questions like…
What did I do right?
What did I do wrong?
What can I do better next time?
If you are intentional about growth or better performance in a particular area, reflection is an essential practice in that journey. It’s a form of self-critique. If you never reflect on and critique your performance, whether it be in a sport, work, art, cooking or even just conversation, it will be difficult to gain the footing for growth.
While reflection is a type of stillness AFTER performing a task, observation is a type of stillness DURING a task that allows us to focus in on and observe what is happening in real time.
It requires intention, effort and curiosity to reflect after a task, but with a simple prompt to do so, I think most people have the ability to reflect at least somewhat effectively. Depending on what you are performing, observation can be a quite a bit more challenging. In jiu-jitsu for instance, being able to create enough stillness to observe what’s happening while someone is trying to choke you requires a lot of self-control. It’s not easy to stay calm, breath and observe what’s going on in the heat of battle! Same thing may apply in a heated conversation, emergency situation or any form of intense activity. Observation requires self-awareness, self-control and even skill.
I see reflection as a level 1 practice and observation as a level 2. While it very useful to look back and reflect on a situation so that you can approach it better next time, it is of even more value to be able to do that in a live situation so that you can make those adjustments on the fly.
How many times have you reflected on a conversation and wished you could have said the things then, that you just thought of now! I know I have!
Through the intentional practice of reflection you will become more and more aware in live scenarios to begin observing and making adjustments as needed. This can be a life-savor and a growth accelerator!
One last thought to consider is the ability to reflect and observe the external as well as the internal. External reflection and observation has more to do with what is actually going on or what happened, while internal reflection and observation has more to do with how felt or are feeling in the process. While it may be spot on, sometimes what you’re feeling doesn’t always match with what is actually happening. It’s important we learn the practice of both so we can gain a full understanding of the situation in order to grow effectively.
So while it is important to learn to get off your butt and just do it, the next step is to observe, reflect and be intentional about your growth.
Know Your Enemy
This question may sound a bit funny considering the title but, how well do you know yourself? Did you know the one person who is often most to blame when it comes to achieving goals, is yourself? At the end of the day, you need to take ownership for your life. You have to come to the understanding that while you may not always be in control of your circumstances, you are in control of how you work out your circumstances. You have to make the decision to take ownership for yourself.
“You have to know yourself to grow yourself.” - John Maxwell
How well do you really know yourself?
“The work we do is a reflection of who we are. If we are sloppy at it, it is because we are sloppy inside. If we are late, it is because we are late inside. If we are bored, it’s because we are bored inside, with ourselves, not work. The most menial work can be a piece of art when done by an artist. So the job here is not outside ourselves, but within. How we do our work becomes a mirror of who we are inside.” From the E-Myth Revisited Page 199-200
The work we do is a reflection of who we are! Not only are our attitude and actions a reflection of who we are, but our work. This is to include how we work at our place of business, our chores at home, school work and even how we set and tackle our goals. How we function and perform in all of these areas is a reflection of who we are at the core!
Now, I don’t want to misguide or cause you to stumble. I have had to learn overtime how to separate my personal identity from my business and achievements. I am NOT saying you are your achievements. This type of mindset can cause depression and a sense of worthlessness.
To give a quick example, consider this… When you practice an art like jiu-jitsu, you are fighting to control and submit your opponent with a joint lock or choke hold. If you are caught in a submission that you can not escape, you only have 2 options, tap out (admit defeat) or get seriously hurt. Tapping out and admitting defeat is a VERY humbling experience. You are essentially admitting that someone is better than you. If you believe in your mind that, that is a reflection of who you are “personally” than you are going to be crushed.
It is important to realize that when you tap in jiu-jitsu, it is not an admittance that your opponent is a better person than you, you are acknowledging that, at that moment, they did a better job than you… at jiu-jitsu. There is a BIG difference in mindset here!
If you want a clear picture of who you are as a person, evaluate how you handled that experience. Did you make excuses? Did you get upset and walk of the mat? Did you compliment your opponent, shake it off and go again!? Did you learn from your mistakes and correct them? That’s who you are! Whether it be on the practice mat or at the World Championships. While in self-defense there is no tap, in practice and even competition, not tapping and getting your arm broken is NOT a sign of strength, it’s a denial that someone got the better of you. It takes strength to acknowledge that.
No matter the sport, on the flip side of competition, if you are the victor, the one always winning, that’s not who you are either! If you believe that, than when your time comes to an end, as it always does, who will you be then? Many athletes out of their prime struggle with depression because their identity was wrapped up in being the champion but when their reign ends, they no longer know who they are.
“Value is not found in the quest itself but in the manner which you pursue it.” -Luke Rinehart
While setting goals is nice, it is not the achievement of a goal that is ever the prize. In fact, the achievement of a goal is a self-limitation. By setting a goal, you are limiting yourself to the “thing” when the “way” is the more valuable asset. This is the difference between “goals” and “formations”.
Goals say,"This is what I want to achieve in this amount of time”.
Formations say, “This is who I want to become and who I will strive to be in everything I do”.
Do you give it your all? Do you take ownership of your choices and actions? Do you cheat and make excuses? Do you work honestly and with integrity? Do you even really pay attention to and evaluate these things?
In what manner do you pursue your goals, work and life? This is a better reflection of who you are at the core. These qualities about yourself can also continually change and improve. If you don’t respect who you are, discern what qualities you respect in others, and strive to imitate them yourself.
There is a process of Self-Coaching that needs to take place in order to truly take ownership of who you are and what you do. We all self-coach but most people do it to their detriment. They make excuses, talk themselves down and coach themselves out of achieving their goals and becoming the person they want to be. The art of Self - Coaching teaches you to turn this downward spiral of self-talk into your greatest source of encouragement, inspiration and motivation!
As a self-coach you learn to discover and operate from your core being…your wellspring! You are on a constant path of self-discovery, evaluation and betterment. Again I reiterate, YOU are often your worst enemy. Do you know your enemy?
Loss and Learn
When asked to define success you may immediately picture a beaming smile on a very fit, well-dressed man or woman, with large, deep pockets, extensive property and a beautiful family. We may immediately think Winner! Obviously, we all have different versions of success, but the trajectory involves accomplishment of preconceived goals. Person A seeks to run a marathon in under 4 hours and they are considered successful if they are able to actually do this with good old fashion hard work (as opposed to with the use of enhancements). Person B may very much want to be accepted to a graduate school or technical program that will land them the training they want (and preferably at the price they can afford). If they get accepted to the school of their choice and earn a scholarship to help pay for their tuition (bonus!), they will likely feel and be perceived as successful in the eyes of those who know their ambition.
What would happen though if Person A, or B, was not able to accomplish his or her preconceived goals? What if she did not make the time cut for the marathon she trained for so intently or he got denied acceptance into the advanced training program he was so determined to attend? Would they not be Winners? Would they not be successful?
Realistically, both individuals would have to concede that they did NOT, in fact, win. They were NOT successful at achieving their individual goals. And those of us who have moved and breathed in this world know that NOT winning, NOT succeeding, happens all too often. So much so that the growing trend, particularly with youth sports and activities, is to claim everyone as a winner.
Many have grown uncomfortable with the fact that losing is a solid fact of life, consequently they have worked to circumvent the process. Children never come in second place in many sports these days, and teams are asked to share winning trophies claiming that they were equally successful even if one team clearly outshined the other in skill, work ethic, and goal tallies.
I may be old-school, but I find this peculiar and somewhat defeatist. Rather than risk possible failure the trend now seems to be to assume we can’t win or that winning is devaluing to others, therefore we will non-competitively play what is inherently competitive. Undoubtedly, play for play sake is of immense value, but I am focusing on the value of competing for the sake of personal growth and achievement. A merit to highlight, not hide.
In my time as a martial artist I have realized that not only is competitive play extremely valuable, but also it is essential to personal growth. Imagine playing chess with the understanding that we will both win. Sounds kind of pointless, right? Of course the point of the game is to defend and capture. Opponents work diligently, quickly, and hopefully, without error. Without the goal of defeating your opponent there is really little point in playing what could arguably be one of the world’s most intellectually challenging activities. In fact, Benjamin Franklin says,
“The game of chess is not merely an idle amusement. Several very valuable qualities of the mind, useful in the course of human life, are to be acquired or strengthened by it… Life is a kind of Chess, in which we have often points to gain, and competitors or adversaries to contend with.”
Of course Franklin is right. Martial Arts, and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu specifically, is very much a physically acted out chess match. No two opponents or matches alike. Basic principles can be applied but mental flexibility and many hours of practice allow one to progress and achieve. Likewise in both chess and jiu jitsu you must lose, and lose often, in order to gain competency. Losing is not only expected but absolutely necessary in order to achieve greater defense, improved offense, and well-developed strategies that incorporate both.
When your goal is improvement, then to lose is to learn.
The only player or practitioner who does not learn is the one who stomps off refusing to stay in the match. In my time as a martial arts coach I have seen several students enter their practice to fight and lose, fight and lose, fight and lose, repeatedly. These same students have astounded me in their perseverance to love a sport that seems to have them licked! But watching these students (both youth and adults alike) keep working, meet defeat regularly, and continue on is more than intriguing~ it’s inspiring!
Not surprisingly the payoff comes weeks, months and sometimes years into this process when that once oft defeated student begins to win….and win…and win some more.
What happened? Well, they weren’t just losing all that time. They were losing AND learning. With each defeat they grew in conviction to never again be defeated in that way or with this move. A defense was developed and practiced. A counter attack was added to the defense and so on and so forth until months later this strategic organism began to meld itself together much like the Terminator 2 character rising up from a metallic puddle into bionic man (or woman). It’s actually rather mesmerizing to watch such a transformation take place knowing that, finally, ALL the defeat, ALL the pain, ALL the ‘tap outs,’ have now paid off. The trophy, the first place metal, or belt that this student earns is of value, real value. No one conceded for them to earn this and no one would ever doubt the veracity of their journey because it was certainly hard- earned with equal measure blood, sweat, and tears. This is true success.
Without loss, we don’t learn. If we don’t learn we never feel true achievement.
Follow the example of others and put yourself into practices that allow you to lose, and lose often, in order to gain what is greater~Growth! Grow in your loss, strategize, ask questions, stay curious! Certainly you can’t get through this life without losing, so embrace the process and realize that Winners ~Lose! They lose early and often and they stick with it. They grow with every defeat and come out the better for it. By learning from loss we all have the potential to truly be successful!
For more information about ‘Losing and Learning’ check out:
Sometimes You Win—Sometimes You Learn: Life’s Greatest Lessons are Gained from Our Losses by John Maxwell.
Creating Distance
In my last blog I wrote about why we need to learn how to identify and close the gap. There is the distance gap which is the space between where we are (point A) and where we want to be (point b). We need to learn how to effectively close this gap if we want to grow. There is also 8 prevention gaps which prevent us from moving forward for various reasons. It is important to identify which prevention gap we tend to get stuck in and learn to effectively close it. If we don’t deal with the prevention gap we can never close the distance gap.
In relationship to jiu-jitsu, I mentioned how in jiu-jitsu we believe that he who manages the distance, manages the damage. There are only 2 places you want to be as a jiu-jitsu fighter
Too far away to get hurt. Which basically means you are just out of reach.
In too close to get hurt. Which means you are Clinching in some fashion.
In order to transition from Point A (being out of reach), to point B (The Clinch), you have to learn to safely & effectively “Close the gap”. Likewise, when you are Clinching you have to learn to safely & effectively create distance when necessary. The gap is the space we never want to remain in.
The gap is a vulnerable space that is necessary to enter when working toward our goals but it is not meant to be the place we remain constantly. We move in and out of the gap in order to remain too far away or too close.
Sometimes when we are trying to close the gap, we get resistance. This resistance can sometimes just be an obstacle in closing the gap or it can be a space we will never break though. If that’s the case, we are likely to get badly hurt if we remain there. In this situation, we may need to create distance.
There may be relationships in your life that you are trying to close the gap on. You are trying to mend them and pursue them but you are not being let in. You are being hurt by the other party and if you stay there, you are risking serious injury whether it be physical, mental or emotional.
If this is the case, you need to create distance or “Boundaries” in this relationship.
Create enough distance so that you can not be hurt by this person anymore. That distance can be different for everyone.
Maybe you have an addiction of sorts. Cigarettes, alcohol, pornography, sugar, social media…this list can go on and on.
Anything in your life that you have trouble resisting, you become a slave to. You need to create distance from these things as they drastically hinder your growth and health.
The game plan for creating distance is going to look different depending on what it is you are creating distance from, but you have to come up with a plan and some support or accountability.
While it is crucial to our growth that we learn to close the gap, it is often just as crucial that we learn to create distance and boundaries when it is necessary. Moving forward is NOT always the best option.
Rener Gracie, a famous jiu-jitsu Instructor, speaks about the Punch Power Scale. The scale varies from 1-10. Level one punches do the least amount of damage. They are not anything to even be concerned about. Level Ten being the punches that can do serious harm. The factor that determines the level you are being hit with is the distance. Remember, we want to either be in too close to get hurt or too far away. The gap in the middle is level 10. If you manage the distance well, you manage the damage.
You should always expect to suffer in personal growth and in relationships. You will be getting hit with level 1 to level 5 punches all the time. It comes with the territory. It’s life. When you feel you are constantly being hit with level 6-10 punches, you are in the gap and really need to consider whether you need to close the gap or create distance in order to get safe. Do not stay in the gap!
Closing the Gap
In Jiu-Jitsu we believe that he who manages the distance, manages the damage. There are only 2 places you want to be as a jiu-jitsu fighter…
Too far away to get hurt. Which basically means you are just out of reach.
In too close to get hurt. Which means you are Clinching to and controlling your opponent in some fashion.
In order to transition from Point A (being out of reach), to point B (The Clinch), you have to learn to safely & effectively “Close the gap”. Likewise, when you are Clinching you have to learn to safely & effectively create distance when necessary.
This is an ongoing process in jiu-jitsu. If you learn to master distance management, you are essentially in control of the fight.
Closing the gap is a vulnerable action because you have to cross the danger zone in order to do so. The danger zone, or the gap, is the area where your opponent has the ability to possibly inflict serious damage on you. It’s the area between point A and point B. It’s the area you don’t want to be in. It takes proper skill, timing, confidence and follow through to do this safely and effectively.
This relates to life and growth in so many ways! Anyone who has a desire to grow or to set and reach goals has to learn to effectively identify & “Close the Gap”.
In the 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth, John Maxwell reveals 8 traps in our growth that he translates into 8 Gaps in our Learning.
The Assumption Gap - I assume that you will automatically grow.
The Knowledge Gap - I don’t know how to grow.
The Timing Gap - It’s not the right time to begin.
The Mistake Gap - I am afraid of making a mistake.
The Perfection Gap - I have to find the best way before I start.
The Inspiration Gap - I don’t feel like doing it.
The Comparison Gap - Others are better than I am.
The Expectation Gap - I thought it would be easier.
In order for us to grow or reach a goal, we have to travel from point A to point B. There is always a “Distance Gap” that needs to be closed in this process. Depending on the goal, the gap may be smaller or larger. We learn to effectively close this gap by developing a game plan for action and implementing it. On top of the ability to close the “Distance Gap” we have to identify and close the “Prevention Gap”. The prevention gaps are the 8 gaps I just listed above. These gaps prevent us from growing because they keep us stuck in a space that causes us to hesitate. In jiu-jitsu, the last thing you want to do when closing the gap, is hesitate. Hesitation will get you hurt.
In life, hesitation can prevent you from ever taking that next step, reaching your goals, and enjoying the many blessings that come with closing the gap.
Take a moment to reflect on what some of your current goals and dreams are.
What do you wish you were doing or could do?
Are you working towards that goal?
Who do you wish to become? (What kind of person do you want to be?)
Are you working towards this? How?
What’s preventing you? (Which prevention gap is keeping you from working toward it?)
How are YOU going to close the gap?